Conan the Barbarian (2011)

There are 3 things i should have gotten from this movie. I received 4, but should have only gotten 3.

1. 3D. Grade: F-. Lets's just get this out of the way. 3D for the vast majority of movies BLOWS! And this movie would have been just as entertaining without it. I didn't want or need this, but it was forced upon be by a theater that only has one non-3D showing. Just in case anyone wants to know, if you show me a crappy 3D mess I destroy the glasses. I'll recycle them when you warrant me wanting to use them again, or if you quit charging me for them. Until them they are mine and I shall do away with them. (sorry that's my little 3D rant)
2. Violence. Grade: A. Bashing heads in, cutting things off, blood everywhere. (Man Grunt) This is not Saw gore, but plenty violent for the manliest of men. From tiny Conan doin' work to grown Conan choppin' ho's arms off. They do action right.
3. Effects. Grade: B. There really wasn't anything that jumped out as bad until Conan fights this big water monster and that gets kinda crappy. But he fights some sand demon things that pop in and out of the ground like hardcore parkour guys, and with a few exception look good.
4. Story. Grade C. And a C isn't a terrible thing. It, for me, is the middle grade. Here is a broad overview. Conan & friends must avenge the slaughter of his village from an old dude and Princess Amidala's evil sister who wants to power up a crazy squid mask to bring the wife/mother back from the dead . And me thinks Conan dosth spake too much. I would have like a more Arnoldish Conan.(side note: No man's, especially a barbarian's, butt is that hairless, just saying. Conan needs to be hairier) Granted Arnold barely spoke English, but it worked. He is a Barbarian after all, noble or not. It's and acceptable vehicle for everything else.

This is not an "acting" movie, or a really good movie. It's a dude movie. Talk crap, kill, screw, repeat. But it entertained, and that is what its all about. Knock yourselves out Bros leave the women at the house.

Red Band Version
Conan: The Musical

Our Idiot Brother

Well I liked Paul Rudd's character "Ned" more than I actually like the movie. He is so freaking likable. The movie has it moments, and actors to perform them. Thank you Zoey Deschanel and Elizabeth Banks and "Karen" you were delightful. But this movie feels like a joke Rudd made in Knocked Up, paraphrasing: Marriage is like Everyone Loves Raymond, but not funny. And this movie feels like that. Life and not that funny. The family dynamic plays pretty well. Everyone has chemistry. There is also the standard scene in Rudd's newer comedies where they describe things/people in a funny way like: "You look like Babe Ruth's Gay Brother. Gaybe Ruth." One highlight for me was a reference to Major Lazer. But story wise Ned is simple and kind, and gets taken by a cop. After he gets out of jail he makes the rounds with his family where they think he ruins everything, but they learn a lesson in the end. Pretty standard really. All in all you might be disappointed paying $9 to see this, but not if you Red Box or Netflix it later. I would skip it unless you are a die hard fan of one of the stars. It's just kinda funny.

And if you wanna know who Major Lazer is click HERE (caution rather suggestive dancing, daggering, and use of a ladder)

Friday August 26, 2011

If anyone cares the Ouija Board movie goes where you ouija board should go... in the trash. Ouija Dies
Romancing the Stone may have a terrible remake. Might suck, but I like the old ones so I thought it warranted mentioning. Stoned Enough to Remake
I loved the Wolf Man so Frankenstein  could be good. It's Alive!
More Bond! Bond, James Bond.
Superman forgot to look good.... It's a.... whatever
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
How long can you hold a Grudge?
Warp 2! Star Trek
And last, and probably least the "Amazing" Spiderman... I just thought you might care because i cannot make myself. Amazing lack of give a crap
Now you know what I know.

thanks again to IGN for my info

Clay Pigeons

Man Overboard! Alarm! This movie is a new twist on an old classic Strangers on a train. Clay (Joaquin Phoenix) finds himself in less than favorable situations was hen he is befriend by the super cool and super creepy Lester (Vince Vaughn). Vaughn really shows off in this being super entertaining, Similar to him now, only better if that makes any sense. Lester likes the way Clay handles himself, and all Clay wants to do is not get screwed. Because everything keeps implicating him and making him look like a wanted serial killer.  Janeane Garofalo even shows her mug and adds her comic styling to the mix as an agent trying to catch said killer.. Over all this is a fun semi-thriller that entertained that sure entertained. 

Enter the Void

I had decided not to review this one because I am ashamed I watched the entire thing. Ashamed in that I feel as though my eyes have been forcibly penetrated. It is bad, so bad it made me angry. It is void of any goodness. The IMDB synopsis is: "A drug-dealing teen is killed in Japan, after which he reappears as a ghost to watch over his sister." Sure i guess, or not. what this movie feels to me is that this man hates me because I want to be entertained, and he created this "Void" to torture me. "Well, why not just stop?", you ask. I cannot critique if i have not seen the whole thing. It reminds me of another move called Trash Humpers, For it is also void of any purpose. I feel like I watched a punch of people screw for like 45 min,. and was bored. It shows the same car crash like 4 times. and there is literally a scene that is hotel with a bunch of people bangin' It out for what seems like forever FOR NO PURPOSE. If there is a purpose then it shouldn't be so hard to understand. If she was the one he kept watching why? what can you do? You are not Patrick Swayze. This movie goes out of its was to be wild and trippy with colors and scenes that go on far too long. Far far too long. It lacks decent structure, story telling, and entertainment value as a hole. The actors were fine aside from the fact they they had to participate in this... thing. Just a huge waste of time that blows my mind how someone allowed this to be created.  Don't waste any time on this. The trailer below makes a million times more sense than the actual movie

The Help

Here is one I went to see on purpose, and glad I did. I opted out of Conan on this particular evening and went to see this little jewel of a chick flick. I haven't done a drama like this yet so I went for that purpose and stayed for a good flick. Well enough of that mess. Apparently Mississippi was the racism center of the world, or apparently they were a bunch of the most ignorant, unfit parent, racist butt holes EVER. The Help does everything for these people, and they treat them like absolute garbage. They are good enough to cook the food, but not eat with them. To clean the bathroom, but not use it. To raise the children, but not use the front door. It does a really good job of showing how fear and ignorance fueled so much garbage, and though understanding changes get made. Emma Stone is wonderful and lovely. She is black sheep of this particular society that through honesty and perseverance gains trust and understanding. There are other side stories, but for the most part they fall under the main one as part of the story she is trying to write. This movie is not about her, its about the women she writes about. The "help" in the movie are all fabulous. There is also a good scene in church where the pastor talks about love. All in all, I am surprised and glad I changed my plans for what i am sure is the better of my options. Through its tough subject matter it brings lots of smiles and left me with a warm fuzzy feeling and a tear in my eye. It is marketed as a movie for women, but I got the feeling that the men in the room enjoyed it quite a bit as well.

30 Minutes or Less

Here is a fun romp through swearing and fake gun play. Jesse Eisenberg, aka the less awesome Michael Cera, was good although very forgettable. They gave all the good stuff to Aziz Ansari, who really lit it up. He had the best lines, and was generally funnier. Danny McBride was the same type of character he always is, Kenny Powers, but again funny. and Nick Swardson was a welcome addition as support. This movie is fine for dates, cause the girls will laugh at things the think they shouldn't (but please don't be like the idiot girl who sat behind me to SCREAM laughed at all the least funny things) and guys will take the good lines and say them for a good zinger to their buds. It's a decent middle of the road comedy, but worth the watch. one my favorite parts was the car chase scene where they played the song "The Heat is On" it added a needed something.having said that there was some old school music and die hard references which I also dug.

Friday August 19, 2011

This weekend... is kinda slow. New Conan is out, which I will probably see. But I can already taste the suck in my eye holes. What I would like to see, that I failed to last week, is 30 Min. or Less. We have some new footage leaked from the set of The Dark Knight Rises, and The Avengers. An Austin Powers 4 is possibly in the works. Ghost Rider 2 trailer leaves me perpetually underwhelmed. Kate Beckinsale returns for another Underworld aka. "I want everyone to remember I'm Hot." And finally some Bond, And Freaking Sin City 2! News Links Below so you know what I know.

The Dark Knight, The Avengers, Austin Powers, Ghost Rider, Underworld 4, Bond, James Bond, Sin City 2

thanks ign for the info.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Whew! Well if you are not tired by the time you get done saying it you will be by the time you get done watching it (2.5hrs). However, a good tired. For the better part of the movie it felt like the village (the colors music and such), but it morphs into its own skin. Really excellent shots and views. Visually the movie is pretty nice to look at. Sam Rockwell is here again, owning.Casey Affleck showing up his brother again. And some guy named Brad Pitt plays Jesse James. Jesse made me nervous the whole film like he was about to go totally nuts. And he kinda was, just not the way I expected. Everyone hates on ole Bobby Ford for killing him, but I'm not sure why. He (Jesse) wasn't all that pleasant to begin with. For me this is a There Will Be Blood type of movie. Some will love it, and others just hate it. There are parts of narration breaking up different sequences in the movie and it gives it a feeling like you are reading it.(which I liked). A bit of action, but mostly drama and heavy story. I liked that it made me pay attention and kind of be involved. Much better movie than it got press for. Not for everyone so be warned.

Tangled

Following in the traditions of Disney cartoon musical. Tangled is cute, and moderately funny for grown ups. plenty of slap stick and animals for the kids. Good new old fashion cartoon movie. and Mandy Moore can actually sing her own songs which is nice. Disney generally does a good job tweaking a story and making it theirs.... FOREVER, Nothing spectacular. It's no Snow White or anything, but the kids will like it.

American History X

Here is a truly artistic piece of American film. From its black and white sequences to the painfully awkward and realistic scenes in and out of prison. Norton and company do a wonderful portrayal in this anti-hate (more anti-ignorance) film. Showing the insanity of racism and the road to redemption. A must watch. It just wins.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Here is a big ole suck fest. Here is a tip: IF THE APES ARE IMPORTANT MAKE THEM LOOK REAL!. Planet of the Fakes. God, the Apes looked like crap. And the story... Well to not ruin it more, for you people who done heed my warning, the apes take over my default. They don't conquer. Lame sauce non stop. Such a waste.

Cowboys and Aliens

Jon Favreau is really starting to grown on me. Making a bunch of movies I like, and Cowboys and Aliens is another. Sadly the worst part was Harrison Ford, but only for the first little bit of the movie. It was like he was trying to hard or something, but he evens out and the whole thing works. Daniel Craig CHECK, Olivia Wilde CHECK CHECK, and Sam Rockwell CHECK CHECK CHECK. It was a decent western mixed with a decent sifi to create a beautiful child. Rooting' toting' gun play actually worked with the super advanced aliens. A win for me.

The Change Up

Not exactly a date movie like I thought I would be. Way more boobs. And ,Olivia Wilde, you drive me wild. Bateman and Reynolds did good doing the other. It's more of a two dudes movie, like married bud & single bud see it together and get all "that's so you" , "you are so". Not to mention Bateman get poop IN HIS MOUTH like 2 seconds in which kills 90% of our female viewers. Dudes go see.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Good movie, not as good as Iron Man or Thor, but real entertaining. I feel that in 3D (which really has almost no purpose here) that some of the effects look worse than they would normally in 2D, but over all entertaining. 2 big things 1: Captain America the character for me is almost perfect. He is decent, honorable, just all those super good person qualities so I love him. And 2: the good I Love America feeling you get after.

And this should have been the trailer (Explicit Lyrics some Fs)---> http://youtu.be/S3TKCeGc2Ao

The Fighter

Wow. Christian Bale acted the crap outta that movie. The tv style boxing shots were dope, and the story is too good to be true. Marky Mark and Amy Adams were also impressive. A really feel good flick for everybody. Rather impressed. The shot at the end with the actual brothers will getcha.

And if you have seen it then you'll like this---> http://youtu.be/w_kGWWHwUXs

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Well to say i am to close to this one to be objective is an understatement. I read the books, watched the movies, and even played some of the terribly awful games. But I really enjoyed it. My eyes may have gotten something in them a couple of times causing them to make water but i never cried.But on a few technical notes writing was acceptable. I had drama when i needed drama, and comic relief when I needed it. It was as drastic and serious as it needed to be unlike the Half Blood which missed the point entirely. And the special effects were really good for the most part. there were a few instances where the fakeness jumped out at me, but nothing consistent. again i am to close to be really objective or pay to much attention because i love it so much. LIKE

Larry Crowne

I really wanted to like this movie, but it kinda feels like somebody's first movie. Tom Hanks is an extremely likable and charming down on his luck ex-navy cook who loses his job because of his lack of education. And decided to go to school and get some... Education that is. He has a few mini adventures some of which include the less charming, but very lovely Julia Roberts. Banks and Robert form this relationship that is almost out of no where which is like Thor, but less explosions to cover it up so less ok. Just really didn't do it for me.

Horrible Bosses

no Hangover 2, but still very funny. Kevin Spacey and the bad guys were wonderfully evil and obnoxious. The 3 heroes, if you will, were very entertaining with the exception of the very whiny to the point to irritating Charlie Day. And Jamie Foxx was not in it as much as i had expected which is also a good thing. Over all though pretty funny.